10/2-House on Haunted Hill (1999)

I didn't see this movie when it came out, but I definitely remember knowing about its existence.  First of all, I remember seeing the standee in the movie theater of a giant, blood red hand.  But I also remember seeing this movie's more popular doppelganger, The Haunting (Liam Neeson!), and knowing that when two seemingly identical movies come out at nearly the same, one is superior to the other.  I learned this in 1997 when Dante's Peak was superior to Volcano and then again in 1998 when Armageddon was more entertaining to an eight year old than Deep Impact (for the record, I haven't seen either since, so I could be wrong on that one).

So by 1999, I was having none of House on Haunted Hill because it looked like the Volcano of the two haunted house movies coming out that year.  I mean, look at the cast (from the mindset of a nine year old): Geoffrey Rush (some old British dude), Famke Janssen (hot teacher from The Faculty), Taye Diggs (from How Stella Got Her Groove Back? ...what? ... I can't know that Taye Diggs was in the movie? Well I did, deal with it.), Ali Larter (I wont care about her until a year later when she's in Final Destination), Bridgette Wilson (hot teacher from Billy Madison), Peter Gallagher (pshh, Sandy Cohen is the only real Gallagher), and Chris Kattan (From SNL? I like him! Wait, he's in a horror movie? That can't be right).

Now that's just the people that go into the house.  Seven people doesn't exactly fill out an opening credit sequence (which was very creepy).  So the above all get single billing, then a few names share the screen as the final frame of actors including Lisa Loeb (why?) and James Marsters (Spike! OMG, OMG, Spike is in this!  This is gonna be so good!)  Unfortunately, Spike is only in the first five minutes of the movie.

Not the same.

Totally different.

Basically, Geoffrey Rush plays someone who is definitely not Vincent Price, named Stephen Price who owns a number of theme parks specializing in terror (The Vincent Price similarities are a wink to the original 1959 House on Haunted Hill, which Vincent starred in).  Loeb and Spike are a reporter and cameraman, respectively, interviewing not-Vincent about his brand new ride, TERROR INCOGNITA, which is a terrible name for a roller coaster because the terror isn't in disguise, it's just a fucking roller coaster, the fear is inherent in the machine.

"So, Mr. Price?" asks reporter Loeb, as if reading my mind, "what makes your roller coaster different than any other?"

"Ever seen a roller coaster where you start at the top?" He smugly responds.

Are you fucking kidding me?  That's the secret terror?  Fuck you, Vincent Price.  So the trio enters the elevator and continues the puff piece when suddenly, they hear some bad mechanical sounds, followed by the cable snapping.  HOLY SHIT, THEY'RE GONNA DIE!  I MEAN SPIKE GOT LAST BILLING, SO THAT KINDA MAKES SENSE BECAUSE OF THE SIZE OF HIS PART, BUT RUSH GOT TOP BILLING AND THEY'RE KILLING HIM IN THE OPENING SCENE!

Psyche! That's the part of the ride!  You think you're gonna die!  But in all seriousness, I would love it if that were a real ride that I could actually go on.  So once you leave the elevator of fake death, you actually ride the roller coaster.  They show two sets of cars swooping around the track with the "something bad is gonna happen" music going and I'm thinking oh god, they're gonna run into each other or something.  But they don't.  Things run smoothly until the track breaks and one of the cars flies off the rails!  Holy shit! But then right before the second car dies too, the track resets itself and they travel safely.  Basically, they shoot a car full of dummies off the track to make you think you too will die.  I don't know if the cost is worth it, but seriously, I need this roller coaster to be real.  Also, remember when I said TERROR INCOGNITA was a dumb name?  Boy was I stupid.

So that's about the first five minutes.  As you can tell, those five minutes were a roller coaster of emotions (eh? eh??? ...I'm so sorry).  From there, Jean Grey (Price's wife) calls him and says she wants her birthday at the House on Haunted Hill, an old insane asylum we learn about through creepy flashbacks.  "I put my guest list on your desk" she tells him before hanging up.

"I'll tell you what I'll do with your guest list, shred it!" he responds and actually shreds it.  Thus begins the comically terrible relationship of Stephen and Evelyn Price.  He then proceeds to make his own list, presumably with his own friends and walks away.  But once he steps away, the computer deletes his list and makes its own!  Spooky!  AHHH Y2K!  Computers can be scary!

Anyway, main characters show up at the house and are met by the caretaker, Chirs Kattan, who is playing a slightly toned-down version of Corky Romano.  By the way, his character's name is Watson Pritchett, which is just awful. Once inside, Price explains that if anyone is still alive by morning, they will each receive one million dollars.

Of course the house goes into lockdown (that's how the place was abandoned, a fire was started during a lockdown and everyone was trapped inside and burned alive), trapping the players of this odd game inside.  In an attempt to reverse the lockdown, half the group goes into the basement, where weird shit starts to happen.  It's important to remember that everyone, although annoyed and frightened, still think everything happening is a trick by the terror-master Price.

I don't want to get too much more into the specifics, but needless to say, people start dying and things go from bad to worse.  I found the pacing of this movie to be surprisingly good, with several twists and solid tension throughout.  That being said, it wasn't particularly nightmare fuel, but enjoyable all the same.

Rating on the Spook-o-meter: 4 out of 10 boos